My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Why do we know about the Secret Service?

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard drive?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

If you type a bad word, do you get your hands washed off with soap?

If the earth were the size of a pencil eraser, that would mean that the sun would be slightly bigger than a breadbox, and us humans would be the size of really pissed off little people.

Today, you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut.

When I die, I want to go peacfully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming, like the passengers in the backseat.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean the rest of them have to drown too?

Life is too short to be sane or sensible. Weird people rule and normal people suck.

You're just jealous because the voices talk to me.

Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

Remember.... You are not really drunk until you must hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet.

STRESS--The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to kick the stuffing out of some stupid jerk who desperately deserves it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine....

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free??

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where she is.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they wouldn't be caught dead in otherwise.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, and tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Have you ever noticed: Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for seventy-five cents.